Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.