Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
You Might Also Like
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Alexa: *deep breath*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?