@jonnysun

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

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@Sassafrantz

Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.

@thepaulahunt

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

@Iwriteforcats

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

@RideSallyRide69

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

@NightTraumaDoc

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

@climaxximus

my crush: do you wanna go out?

me: haha sure

CDC: [rips off hot girl mask] WRONG ANSWER

@caperbc75

Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes

@JermHimselfish

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

@RunOldMan

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.