BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
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Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
SPLOOT
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…