BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

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Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.


My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.


Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.


“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir


In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.


I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.


When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”


My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.


Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher