BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
No. He’s not coming out to play
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*updates tinder bio*
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Dishonest mechanic?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.