Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Me too 😆

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*