[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Sponch
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Some of y’all tomorrow …