barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
(more comics:
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy