barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??


barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

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I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”


what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings


Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus


Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.


Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-


*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.


A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.


[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.