I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
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GUY: How do you make a living?
FRANKENSTEIN: make a living what?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-
Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.