barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
what does he know…
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
accurate
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer