barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
bears
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
True freaking story!
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.