Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
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Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life