[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
You Might Also Like
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST