I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
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Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..
Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*
Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.