[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
You Might Also Like
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Time heals everything 🙂
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Help Wanted
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.