[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
#Caturday
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine