DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.


wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”


Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.


I called the cops on my own party one time because I was ready to go to bed.


The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?


I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”


Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”


“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol


Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop