[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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I have a black belt in leather
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn