@Tmoney68

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

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@lecalabara

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@WritePlay

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.

@krisv_723

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

@mommajessiec

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

@Iam_Nathaniel

Girlfriend catches boyfriend cheating
Boyfriend: WOOOW!!! So you gon believe your eyes over me?

@TylerComeOn

Stomach: I’m hungry.

Brain: Chill out, dude, she’s in a meeting.

Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE’S MATING CALL.