[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Huge, if true.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*