Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Girlfriend catches boyfriend cheating
Boyfriend: WOOOW!!! So you gon believe your eyes over me?
Stomach: I’m hungry.
Brain: Chill out, dude, she’s in a meeting.
Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE’S MATING CALL.