@JosesLovesYou

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

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@ClichedOut

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

@murrman5

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

@mc_funbags

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@mariah_hartjes

Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

@causticbob

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.