*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…