him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?
You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump