@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

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@pilau

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

@SteveDutzy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

@PajamaBenLaden

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

@gingerfaced

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

@ilikeyouguys

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

@funnybeachgirl

Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?

@DWaitress

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

@NotthatAdamWest

On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.

@KattsDogma

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

@kelkulus

Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump