[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
lmfao
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”