[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
But is it really??
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.