@toomanytoes

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

@canunots

parents: okay we will be home at 11 o’clock!

clock: 11:01

me: they’re dead i’m alone i need to start my orphan life now

@mommajessiec

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

@lmegordon

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

@beefman138

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

@2questionable

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

@heymonroe

Fun Prank:
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
4.) Relax

@4SLars

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

@hoops_Daddy

Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.

Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.