Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Him-Are you seeing anyone?
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
parents: okay we will be home at 11 o’clock!
me: they’re dead i’m alone i need to start my orphan life now
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
4: Let’s play.
4: You can be the mommy.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.
Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.