(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.