[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.