Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
You Might Also Like
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sign at work today
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it