barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.


If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”


Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.


If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.


“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”


Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]


When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.


A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory