barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O