Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”