@Sassafrantz

Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Lisa
Barista: Pizza?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.

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@JB4Realz

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

@heyitsJudeD

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

@rudetanks

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

@NewDadNotes

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

@FunnyBison

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

@joeljeffrey

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

@juliadavidovich

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

@WFLA

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.