Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Lisa
Barista: Pizza?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.

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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.


Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain


The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything


[watching Olympic Figure Skating]


T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh


MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single


Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.


that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans


Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free


Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.