Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?
*everyone looks at me*
Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack
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Him: “What kinda chameleon do you have?”
“How long you had him?”
He comes & goes..
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:
Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
I like your style, Murray.