Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?

*everyone looks at me*

Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack

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Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me


Him: “What kinda chameleon do you have?”

Me: Karma




Karma chameleon

“How long you had him?”

He comes & goes..


[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.


*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*


“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool


I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.


Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.


I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.


45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…


[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.