Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Awwwww shit.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.