Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer