So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Her: I’d take a bullet for you.
Me: How soon can you do that?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“y2k” making us anxious
“k” making us anxious
Poetry is my passion
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.