Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

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So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so


“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”



*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”


Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.


Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?


The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?


WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on


When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.


Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.