Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
secret recipe
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
#parenting
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.