News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.
BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”
ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion
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Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot
Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.
Whoever named The Great Depression in 1929 probably didn’t anticipate my life in 2019.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.