@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”

ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion

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@SocialustGal13

News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.

@jeffswarens

Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot

Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.

@clusterBtraits

Whoever named The Great Depression in 1929 probably didn’t anticipate my life in 2019.

@ItalianBratikus

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

@Reverend_Scott

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

@iamburtjarvis

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

@Glynner85

I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

@CoopFogg

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.