@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”

ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion

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@Cheeseboy22

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

@KickSumHunibuns

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

@Freudianscript

When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.

@DonQuickoats

When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman

@JenniferJokes

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@KevinBuffalo

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

@onelongbender

Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.

@markydoodoo

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.