cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
this makes me so uncomfortable
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
#Caturday
He-man has a Masters degree
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.