“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

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what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti


“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”


him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move


Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days


My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs


I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.


Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.


Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”


A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”


So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?