@Robert_Beau

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

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@nakeyjakey

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

@JasonCarney31

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move

@kidnapped_jesus

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

@DaddyJew

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

@MarieColette

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

@smokedesign

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

@KentWGraham

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

@TheBoydP

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?