what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
him: my dad left when I was little
me: before rush hour, smart move
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?