“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though