Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
i wish i could marry a nap
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
dads on road-trips be like
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body