Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*