barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*