Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.