As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
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*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.