@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

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@HomeWithPeanut

As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.

@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

@Browtweaten

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

@daemonic3

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

@gwatts77

If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.

@jnapsalot

Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.