@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

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@JasonLight73

If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don’t lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic

@1CleverGirl1

3 days ago I ate my daughters’s m&m’s while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate ’em She’s still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.

@SadPeruna

Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!

@platinum2000

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

@TheAlexNevil

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

@man_spach

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

@Molly_Kats

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.