@daemonic3

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

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@Goofpoops

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

@adamlucidi

All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.

@dannyschof81

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

@CArmanthegirl

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

@markleggett

I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”

@isabelzawtun

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

@SortaBad

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

@schumoo

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

@dorkwing_duck

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever