Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box