BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”


I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?

I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑


I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.


A heart shaped bed is only romantic because you have to snuggle, or both of you would have your feet hanging off the end of the bed, and they’d be his ‘n hers demon bait, and that wouldn’t be very romantic to most people who like heart shaped beds.


People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?


The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it


Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.


In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.


I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it


safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor