I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings