GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Girlfriend: Ok you hang up 🙂
Boyfriend: No You hang up first 🙂
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up