@Shenanigans_luv

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

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@h0sh1ko

GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING

@rmfnord

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

@Home_Halfway

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

@BradBroaddus

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

@junejuly12

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

@I_am_Lukem

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

@Chumpstring

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

@tekkie

Girlfriend: Ok you hang up 🙂
Boyfriend: No You hang up first 🙂
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up