Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
ready to be harvested
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly