@MrGeorgeWallace

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

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@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@mayamanion

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

@not_delicate

A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.

@PaperWash

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

@Lpbinder

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@0point5twins

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

@mattZillaaaa

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles