Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.
me: [gets on one knee]
me: [reaches into pocket]
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles