Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.