@MrGeorgeWallace: Baristas, stop paintin' pictures in my damn latte. I'm gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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@iwearaonesie: me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
@llvvzz: Your psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.
@ArfMeasures: [Deathbed] Me: Don't put me in the wrong burial plot Son: Dad stop it, I'm never turning this life support off! Me: because that would be...a grave mistake lol Son: So is it this switch here or
@2tickytacky: I told her she's prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I've encountered.