Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I have never related to anyone more.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
12. I think about this all the damn time