Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?