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me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Canadian owl: Eh?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.