@panmidwest

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

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@TheHyyyype

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

@MikeCanRant

Black guy just told me “Stay up playa” but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.

@_little_old_me

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

@BumpyRIde_

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

@PhuckinCody

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

@JediGigi

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

@fro_vo

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

@UncleDuke1969

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

@stevevsninjas

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

@tupacasnack

*at waffle house*

“do you want bacon or sausage?”

‘YES’