FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
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Black guy just told me “Stay up playa” but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
*at waffle house*
“do you want bacon or sausage?”