Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
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For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I highly recommend anything.
Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Wife: I didn’t say stop
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.
*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds