Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street