Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

New mindset, who dis?

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked