Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
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Sarah: I’m a twin.
Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I’m orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.