@notacroc

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

You Might Also Like

@Mom_Overboard

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

@kIarkie

This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color

@Fred_Delicious

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

@joshgondelman

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

@KimmyMonte

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

@KenJennings

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

@briangaar

Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I’m orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.