Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
You Might Also Like
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
😅🤣😂
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches